Sunday, April 29, 2012

Ugg! Been awake since 3:30 a.m.! I was so tired last night that I went to bed about 9:30, slept like a log until 3:30 and then NO SLEEP since. Been up working on crochet afghan for great niece Katie Jo. Hoping to finish that project within the next few days. Many more projects in the works so will be nice to get one finished.

Saturday

Yesterday was Saturday. We went with the local Volkswagen club (VolksFolks) on a short cruise. Met at the Sonic in far west Fort Worth then headed out to Weatherford to the High 51 exit (known as Main in Weatherford). We turned south and followed the highway to Granbury. There was some sort of Wine Walk/festival in Granbury so traffic was thick. We turned back on 377 toward Fort Worth and stopped at Niester's (German) for lunch. Both of us had the sausage plate -- a Bratwurst and another kind of sausage - I can't recall what it was - along with "fried" potatoes (barely) and I had baked beans (yuck). Ken had red cabbage. I paid dearly for eating this...my digestive system does not handle sausage at all.

Below are a few pictures of some of the VW's that went on the cruise yesterday. A pic of Ken's VW has been included in other posts. I am lusting after the 1979 red convertible! Actually, not. For the price of that one I could have a nice modern comfortable VW Beetle, red, with automatic transmission and air conditioning. Having driven VWs in the past (original ones), and having owned the modern version, I'll stick with the modern water cooled engine rather than the air cooled.

Isn't this a neat vehicle? This is owned by an older couple. They did not do the restoration - they bought it in this condition from a source in West Palm Beach, Florida and had it shipped to them in Weatherford, Texas. This is a 1979 model. I checked several online sites because of course I thought about owning one! Not going to happen -- these restored beauties sell for high prices. way beyond what my pocketbook!

This dune buggy is really neat. Original metal flaked paint job, but otherwise the vehicle is restored. The owners have owned it for at least 12 years but it has been in storage until recently because it took them that long to save the money to have the restoration done! This was their first cruise with it. The gentleman told me the pan is a 1969 VW, and that it is insured as a '69. Ken noticed there are snaps all the way around so we asked about a top. It is not done yet, but should be ready in a couple of weeks. I know the couple will be glad when it arrives so it can be used for road trips...the fellow sat next to me at lunch and told me he had been hit in the front of his head by pea size rock kick up while driving thru the construction area we encountered on the interstate heading to Weatherford.

It was great to see the gunsmoke gray "new" Beetle (2002) there - Ken's was the only other water cooled VW this time.

VW buses and campers bring back memories for Ken. His dad was a career Air Force officer and the family lived in several locations overseas. While in Germany the family had a VW camper bus and traveled all over Europe in it - 2 adults, 2 kids, one large Collie named Checkers. This is the vehicle the family had when they came back to the states - and the dad was reassigned to the Air Force office at General Dynamics. They drove into Texas in August of 1962 in their unairconditioned VW camper bus. They thought they had been reassigned to hell.

The blue convertible is owned by a young couple who came with their beautiful young daughter, Chloe. The red camper bus is VERY stock, it appears. I don't think anything has been done to it - certainly no cosmetic updates. It needs restoring. This was the lead vehicle on the short cruise and we were the second car. The bus could use a ring job. There was much smoke coming out the tail pipe. We also noted the left brake light is out. We also noticed that when the blinker is turned on it is difficult to tell it is on -- the lights are just too small. I'm thinking these things are not real safe in today's world.

Not sure what model this is, but it reminds me of my 1970 VW Beetle from long ago.

Sunday

So, today is Sunday. Didn't go to church. Could have, I guess, even though I was dead tired from waking up at 3:30 A.M. But seems so useless to go to church when life is in such turmoil. I cry all night, I cry all day, I keep myself locked in exile in my little 10 x 10 room because when I go out of this room I am faced with having to look at the person who for almost 10 years has caused so much grief. Why didn't I get out years ago? Why don't I get out now? I certainly didn't hang around or allow others to hang around when they were much nicer to me than this one is. But I remember how horribly lonely those 17.5 years were, and especially after the kids left home and I was completely and forever alone. But, oh, God, I can't take this any more.

What makes someone suck the lifeblood out of the person on whom he/she is dependent for support from everything from housing and food to underwear? I never signed up for this. I never agreed to be subjected to stupid temper tantrums, screaming rants and raves, and sessions of totally freaking out over the most minute thing. I never agreed to be a part of this horror show. And it is actually worse than this, but I can't tell anyone - it would kill me for others to know the truth of what is going on. He has ruined his life, and in the ruining of his own has ruined my life as well, ruined everything I worked so many years to accomplish. But I can't talk to anyone about it, to do so means admitting that I am stupid, defective. I keep praying for God to deliver me, even though I know that deliverance may come by way of my death...no, I'm not suicidal, but I do know that the stress I'm under can cause rejection of the transplanted kidney and death. Yet all I can think about is escape.

In the process I've lost the most important people in the world to me - my children and grandchildren. And there is nothing I can do about any of it except sit in this 10x10 cell called my "sewing room" and cry. I don't know how I got here, and I have no idea how to fix it. I need help but I don't have a clue.

I am grateful for the once in a while times like yesterday, but the people who are there have no idea that any "relationship" they see between us is pretend just for the moment. There is no relationship, just entrapment. It is now so bad that I have sworn I will never go on another trip with this lunatic...the 5 days we spent going to San Antonio and Fredericksburg were absolutely horrible. I truly do not think I will ever attempt that again. I plan to travel, but I will travel alone. There are places I want to go, places I have dreamed of going after retirement - but he can't go anyway - he can't leave the country. That's a choice he made by his actions. I refuse to allow myself to be punished for his stupidities.

Yesterday I looked on line for divorce forms to complete for doing one's own divorce; today I looked up my attorney's phone number. But if I do that, how do I answer to God about putting this mad man on the street when I know he has very little income? I don't think he should be entitled to half the house I worked and saved for and built before I married him; and I don't think that he should be entitled to half of my retirement when we were only married a very short time of all the years (1966-2012) I worked for it! Of course currently due to the economy I owe more on the house than it's worth. And I don't think he should be entitled to half of the 401K I contributed to all these years. He has never contributed a dime, has been unemployed a great deal of the time I've known him, and has sucked money from me since the day we married. And then there's that little thing he forgot to tell me before we married - that one thing that would have kept me from EVER marrying him. He knew a sucker when he met me.