New Year's Eve. What do I hope for the New Year? Forgiveness. Forgiveness for being the weak, stupid person that I am; forgiveness for all the obvious things as well as the things that I don't see that I have done or am doing. And I wish/hope for peace - in all it's many dimensions. And I hope for strength to do the one thing that I know I must do. And I hope for God's intervention in my life that I can become a better me.
Those are the things I hope for myself. As always, every day I pray for my beautiful children and grandchildren. I hope for each and every one of them the greatest year they have ever known - peace, joy, happiness, financial prosperity, love, physical health. They will forever be the best things that ever happened to me and for them I always wish the best and the desires of their hearts. I wish I was better at conveying that to them in reality instead of always making a mess of things.
There is something that bothers me greatly - and that is that my daughters believe I dislike their step mother. I don't. I dislike my ex husband...I still cringe any time I am around him. I can't stop that - it just IS. Maybe I should be able to control that, but so help me I've tried. As my friends know, I just wonder how their step mother has endured it all these years. I was in my 20's when all of that happened so very long ago - too young, immature, stupid, and there is much of it that I (thankfully) have forgotten. But it is not the step mother, it is the ex. It took several years after all the emotional stupidity of the 70's, sessions in counseling, classes in psychology, etc., for me to realize that I was not unhappy over the divorce, I was glad that was over. I was merely mourning the loss of a dream. Once I came to terms with that, it didn't matter any more.
Coming to terms didn't make me the perfect person, I continued to make many mistakes. Remarriages, failed relationships, always trying to better our financial situation. Finally came to terms with that thru the comment of a beloved professor who told me in a straight/direct way that I was marrying beneath me, and clutching for life rafts that did not exist. That I could never improve my situation by depending on someone else. I needed to become a whole person myself.
Boy, didn't mean to get into all this! But in wishing for my children and grandchildren I just can't help but look back over the many, many mistakes I made as their mother and wishing things had been different - no, wishing I had been different. So for each and every one of them I wish them peace, joy, and love.
I will never reach perfection. I wish I could. I will always be a work in progress. And will always need God's grace and forgiveness as well as the forgiveness of my children and others. I am who I am; and I know God knows that. And I know He chose me to be the mother of my children for a reason, and I thank Him for that. They were the greatest gifts.
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